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All posts for the month August, 2014

6 Ways to Let it Go

Published August 6, 2014 by konchk

Idina Menzel – Let It Go (from “Frozen”): http://youtu.be/YVVTZgwYwVo

When some person would first meet me I appear shy/slightly awkward/and along the lines of nice or sweet… or at least that’s what people tell me. When  people get to know me (and I mean, pretty closely) they find how not-very- confident, deep-minded, empathetic, introverted, and ridiculously excited I can get. Oh, and I have kind of a quirky sense of humor only a few people actually “get”. If I were to explain who I am….I dunno. A lot of people miss out on me. The real me. I can truly say I may seem not so confident in not own skin, nice beyond nice, and introverted because of my standards on how a person should be. Not so much everyone as standards I have for myself.

1. Try to understand others. This plays into the whole empathy thing. Keep an open mind and don’t judge on spot. Every person has a reason for why they are the way they are. Whether they are some Mother Teresa or some psychopath.

2. Make someone happy. I’m really not as sweet as this might make me seem….I really just can’t stand crabby people. It honestly will ruin my day and turn me into a Miss Cranky Pants. This people-pleasing habit of mine is why I seem slightly hyperactive/anxious/humorous/perfectionistic (whatever you call it). To be quite honest, I quite dislike feeling the need to… some people either want to stay unhappy or are, by nature….mean. And, even if it is bout even remotely my fault, it takes a till on my self esteem and feel an extra load of guilt for something I didn’t do.

3. Be genuine. This hasn’t always been overly important, but I would like to say I value more “real” experiences/emotions/people/ideas/dogs or something than I have in the past. I do not at all like faking emotion, saying things I do not mean, or manipulating others to further my job or relationships or social status or something else that obviously does not matter. I see these as not only a means of lying to others but also to myself.

4. Be realistic and move on when things don’t go your way. This too has changed over time. I am not as dreamy and starry eyed as I was when I was in high school. This comes from being hurt in friendships, romantic relationships, and in life. I love my life where it’s headed, but I still try my very best to leave my own happiness up to me. I have accepted that there will be let downs and that is okay. I may make it seem like I have major trust issues of whatever…. not at all the same. I trust myself. And let my heart follow my head, not the other way around. Or I at least try.

5. Experience and enjoy life. Even though I only just turned the age of 20 years (ha!), I sometimes do feel the sensation of my life slipping away. Hence the bucket list….I may be very cautious, but I’m sure you may no know. .. adventure is very close to my heart. I want to sky dive and learn to swim and go skinny dipping and all that nonsense. Which is why, 1. I may make some impulsive/foolish decisions; 2. I have a hard time making decisions/commitments; and 3. I still have a little bit if that starry eyed dreamer in me. 

6. Think over everything. If you have the strange pleasure of striking some “deep” conversation with me, you may find how much I second guess myself. It’s a lot. I analyze people a bit too much. Their strengths and weaknesses, thoughts and fears, and whether they are either good or bad. I over, over think myself. The same thing kinda. And end up not liking myself so much in the end. I over think my feelings, looking for ways to change them to stop myself from getting hurt. I wish I wouldn’t so much sometimes… as much as I try to seem blase, confident, independent, smart I am actually terrified enough to pee my pants.

Maybe if I “Let it Go”?….I really could be brave, I could experience things the way I want, I could let myself genuinely care about people….I could accept who I am and not feel the need to constantly please others. I let myself dream a bit more?….

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That’s Depression For You

Published August 2, 2014 by konchk

I know it’s been quite some time, lovely folks….I’ve been quite caught up in making it through that I simply got behind on everything.
The truth is…. I’m scared. About everything. Growing up is hard! Someone very smart once told me that the sad part of life isn’t about finding something that will make you ecstatic/happy/excited/some elated emotion… life is about finding out how to simply manage. And it’s true. 😦
What has always kept me going when the going went tough, was telling myself that someday everything would be perfect. Everything would turn out better in the end. One day I would be happier than I could ever imagine.
When reality hits, it tells me there will always be something to drag me down. This is when I get completely terrified of my life. I forget that my life has gotten better, but for some reason… it feels much much worse. It is as if all the times I have kept it all together (emotionally/physically/mentally/whatnot), suddenly and simultaneously crashed down on me.  During those times, for some reason or another, it is as if that particular moment is the most absolute worst moment in history of my life. I (being me, of course) wish to trade for a moment when I was “happy”. I forget that I felt the exact same way. Maybe to a different degree, but always the same.

There is always SOMETHING to bring you down. But also always SOMETHING to bring you back up. Sometimes, for whatever reason, the things that would usually bring you right back up lose potency, probably from how powerful that DOWN thingy is on you.

That’s depression for you. It plays tricks on you. It tells you you will never be happy. Life will always be hard. Everything is going downhill. Everyone gets the “tricks” to making it in life, except for you. And worst of all… Happiness isn’t real. That up thing is clouded by every moment you felt crappy. And boy, those crappy feelings do damage those special moments that really make all that hard stuff worth it. Kind of a weird cycle.

To be quite frank, I have gotten so tired of that way of thinking that I simply say to myself, “whatya gonna do. That’s depression for you”. I force myself to enjoy the dumb stuff, even if I don’t want to. Eventually, all those downs don’t quite control my life like they usually would.
The weirdest thing is, when I do let myself laugh and dream and love and want and hate and cry (even if it doesn’t seem like the smartest thing to do at the time) I actually feel quite normal.

And normal… it’s pretty nice.