Take what you will out of this

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That’s Depression For You

Published August 2, 2014 by konchk

I know it’s been quite some time, lovely folks….I’ve been quite caught up in making it through that I simply got behind on everything.
The truth is…. I’m scared. About everything. Growing up is hard! Someone very smart once told me that the sad part of life isn’t about finding something that will make you ecstatic/happy/excited/some elated emotion… life is about finding out how to simply manage. And it’s true. 😦
What has always kept me going when the going went tough, was telling myself that someday everything would be perfect. Everything would turn out better in the end. One day I would be happier than I could ever imagine.
When reality hits, it tells me there will always be something to drag me down. This is when I get completely terrified of my life. I forget that my life has gotten better, but for some reason… it feels much much worse. It is as if all the times I have kept it all together (emotionally/physically/mentally/whatnot), suddenly and simultaneously crashed down on me.  During those times, for some reason or another, it is as if that particular moment is the most absolute worst moment in history of my life. I (being me, of course) wish to trade for a moment when I was “happy”. I forget that I felt the exact same way. Maybe to a different degree, but always the same.

There is always SOMETHING to bring you down. But also always SOMETHING to bring you back up. Sometimes, for whatever reason, the things that would usually bring you right back up lose potency, probably from how powerful that DOWN thingy is on you.

That’s depression for you. It plays tricks on you. It tells you you will never be happy. Life will always be hard. Everything is going downhill. Everyone gets the “tricks” to making it in life, except for you. And worst of all… Happiness isn’t real. That up thing is clouded by every moment you felt crappy. And boy, those crappy feelings do damage those special moments that really make all that hard stuff worth it. Kind of a weird cycle.

To be quite frank, I have gotten so tired of that way of thinking that I simply say to myself, “whatya gonna do. That’s depression for you”. I force myself to enjoy the dumb stuff, even if I don’t want to. Eventually, all those downs don’t quite control my life like they usually would.
The weirdest thing is, when I do let myself laugh and dream and love and want and hate and cry (even if it doesn’t seem like the smartest thing to do at the time) I actually feel quite normal.

And normal… it’s pretty nice.


To Be Or Not To Be

Published June 7, 2014 by konchk

092Even when I feel like my life is going downhill/crashing/doomed/all that Negative Nancy stuff, I would never change being me for the world. Everything that I sometimes feel the need to change is also what makes me proud to be me. I’m not perfect. And I know I never will be truly perfect, but I can take pride in having room to grow as a better person.

Sometimes I wish I was more tactful, and less like a crippled clown. I’m klutzy, unathletic, both shy and obnoxious at the wrong times, and a bit socially disinclined at moments…BUT I have a wicked, wacky sense of humor (at least I seem to think so).

At times I wish I had the same resources most people seem to have. Sometimes I wish my parents had money rolling out their sleeves, wasn’t such a broke college student, didn’t have to pay so many flipping bills, had a car, and lived my life as if it were a cake walk. BUT, I wouldn’t change any of this for a moment. Learning to work early and appreciating things and people in my life let me realize how my life is mine and my success is purely up to me. I don’t expect my life to be handed to me, and learn to accept the cards life deals me, as cheesy/strange as that sounds.

A lot.. I want to be a more “confident” person. I wish I could say no to people more often, voice my wants and needs, and fight when I feel wronged. BUT…over time, I learned that this isn’t all what confidence necessarily is. Being confident means accepting myself enough to be happy with what I have and being able to put other people’s needs above my own. Being confident means not feeling the need to voice my needs as often as others, because I know I can get what I need on my own. Being confident means knowing that if I’m wronged, I can let go because I understand my worth as a person.

Sometimes, I wish I was beautiful/hot/shmexy/gorgeous<– ALL of that good stuff. I’m a scrawny gal with hardly any curves. BUT, I’m cute enough. And I know that I’m not going to stay young forever, and would rather accept who I am now and work on stuff that people will notice more when I’m 90 something or other.

If any of you lovely people have the luck/pleasure/displeasure/curse of meeting me, you will def. see how imperfect I am…But…I dunno. I was going to come up with something clever and life-changing. Then realized I don’t really care.

Have a wonderful evening folks




Published May 24, 2014 by konchk


I have this fortune cookie app thingy. Today, mine read “Nobody can walk backwards into the future.” Appropriate for me, I do believe. It’s good to be a cynic/skeptic/realist/frightened little kitten sometimes…but now… More than anything, I need to trust my future whole heartedly. Or at least half heartedly. Past mistakes might have
taught me to be skeptical or distant, made me build my own walls or whatever…. but ya know…. It’s time to make some new ones.

To-Do Lists

Published April 14, 2014 by konchk

Don’t ask me why I do this, but every to-do list I ever ever ever ever make contains mostly things that are…fun? It makes me feel good about myself. I like the feeling I get when I can cross something off, even if it isn’t quite necessary for me to do. And why? I told you not to ask me, but (to me anyways) the fun, unnecessary crapola is actually about as necessary as the necessary crapola. It might be because I get cranky if I work and work and work and have no room for play. And then, do you know what happens to all that work I do?…It isn’t as good, because I am so darn exhausted.
One day Hannah woke up and realized that there wasn’t a point to working working working working working and the work turning to poo because all that work made her grumpy and bored and tired. My rationalization of writing out all the pointless, unnecessary fun stuffs on my list is that it gets me ready for the real deal–the crapola that actually does need to get done.
I’ll let you in a little secret….
It flipping works.

Hannah’s To-Do List
Clean room…not entirely important, but I can’t get anything done if it’s not
Do laundry…running out of clothes? Important.
Do dishes…Therapeutic
Cross-stitching a prettiful picture of a tiger…on my bucket list. Gotta do it.
Work on research paper…NECESSARY, and hopefully I will feel relaxed by then
Go tanning…extremely bad for me, I know, but I want to look all golden for the summer
Paint…Just really want to.
Make bracelets
Watch some Flix of the Net!
Sketch out ideas for art project
Mentally prepare for the LUNAR ECLIPSE….